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| layout | title | date | permalink | categories | published |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| post | Ambitions are hard | 2016-11-09 19:43:00 | ambitions-are-hard | life | false |
Ambition: a cherished desire; a strong drive for success
Sitting at my desk, lights off, headphones around my ear, I'm trying to concentrate on my next achievement, though small, it fits in my roadmap. At the time of working on A, I'm thinking about all the _B_s and _C_s and _D_s that I have to attend to next, they all beg for my attention, but I have to focus on A right now, so I increase the volume of music and focus.
Half an hour past, I'm back to answering beggings of _B_s and _C_s and _D_s. I manage to finish A after some time, move on to B and a new A arises in the process, the source never exhausts.
After a day distributed between achievements, laying in the bad I start thinking about everything that I'm giving up in order to reach my dreams. There comes the never-satisfactory-comparison between dreams, is giving up X worth Y? There is never a right answer, that's when depression builds up, I feel bad throughout the day, but still I do what I have to do.
I know there is a desire inside of me for playing, for having fun, sometimes for doing nothing, but it seems my strong drive for success convinces me the delayed gratification of my dream is greater.
Every once in a while, I break and go around nature, I forget about everything and just give in to my current moments, there is no A or B or any other fucking letter anymore, I'm free!
After returning to work, I feel much better for a while, a week or two, and then the cycle restarts.
I don't know if that's called life anymore.
-- 2016 11 09, 20:13:00, mahdi