---
layout: post
title: "Ambitions are hard"
date: 2016-11-09 19:43:00
permalink: ambitions-are-hard
categories: life
published: false
---

> Ambition: a cherished desire; a strong drive for success

Sitting at my desk, lights off, headphones around my ear, I'm trying to concentrate on my next
achievement, though small, it fits in my roadmap. At the time of working on _A_, I'm thinking about all the
_B_s and _C_s and _D_s that I have to attend to next, they all beg for my attention, but I have to focus on A right now,
so I increase the volume of music and focus.

Half an hour past, I'm back to answering beggings of _B_s and _C_s and _D_s. I manage to
finish _A_ after some time, move on to _B_ and a new _A_ arises in the process, the source never exhausts.

After a day distributed between achievements, laying in the bad I start thinking about everything that I'm giving up in order to reach my dreams.
There comes the never-satisfactory-comparison between dreams, is giving up X worth Y? There is never a right answer,
that's when depression builds up, I feel bad throughout the day, but still I do what I have to do.

I know there is a desire inside of me for playing, for having fun, sometimes for doing nothing,
but it seems my _strong drive for success_ convinces me the delayed gratification of my dream is greater.

Every once in a while, I break and go around nature, I forget about everything and just give in
to my current moments, there is no _A_ or _B_ or any other fucking letter anymore, I'm free!

After returning to work, I feel much better for a while, a week or two, and then the cycle restarts.

I don't know if that's called life anymore.

-- 2016 11 09, 20:13:00, mahdi